Sigh.
What’s the best way to say this?
I’m so sorry for responding late or staying away for 2 months. I was going through a crippling wave of extreme depression followed by intense moments of anxiety attacks. Because of this, I simply could not get myself to pick up my phone to text you back. I started at the wall every now and then. I cried at random times. I wish I did not exist. My heart physically aches. It’s a pain I can’t really describe. It’s not painful, per se – it just feels like the walls of my heart are closing in on itself and my chest is being compressed. The lump in my neck is what I would describe as painful. I feel a piercing pain as aching tears surge up from my stomach. When the tears get to my throat, they stay lodged. Perhaps they boil – that would explain the pain. They literally take my breath away. I begin to breathe heavily as I fight to push those tears and pain out. They fight back. Sounds that are not human begin to escape from my mouth because I am fighting to live…for good reasons.
I’m curious about how anyone would react to the above if I ever told them. The crazy thing is that it’s true.
Sigh. When I think I’ve gotten better, I relapse in the worst ways. Pending the time I can afford therapy, this would be my place to vent. My private diary won’t work because I want someone to understand me. I want someone to know, and feel, what I’m going through and acknowledge that I will be fine.
That’s what I’ll imagine; that you, as you read this, are empathetic to my troubles and that you wish me well. Thank you. That makes me happy. If you ever read this, you don’t need to talk to me about it.
The thing about constantly feeling this way is that you are also constantly met with the reality that the world won’t do anything for you. You are solely responsible for bringing yourself out of that place of rut. It makes me feel two ways about the world. First, I resent the world, ergo, people around me for not noticing. By people around me, I mean people miles away who I speak to a handful of times a week. Lol. “Don’t they notice that I’m chatting differently today? Or that I haven’t responded in two days?” I hear myself think.
The second way I feel is that I totally relate to the inaction of the world. Looking inward, I ask myself how many people I have brought out of a bad place. How many people I have regularly comforted when they experience difficult times? Who I have noticed is going through a mental breakdown? As I answer these questions sincerely, I see how my resentment against the world is unjustified. I am as focused on sustaining myself as everybody else is.
The world does not deserve my resentment. In fact, the world deserves my understanding and love. I can’t know what someone is going through unless they tell me. But, the fact is that someone around me also experiences mental challenges. How can I help them to feel better? My best bet is to be deliberately kind to everyone because I don’t know who needs it. I’ll say sweet things, ask about your day, wish you a good night, and so on.
From my end, that’s the most I can give for now. In the future, I hope to be able to extend listening ears and arms to hug if someone needs it.