#18 – Prelude to Self Approval

Now and then, I think about why my confidence is so bruised. What exactly happened? I remember a time when nothing could necessarily dampen my spirit.

Then, I remember when I was in 100 level at Lagos State University, a group of girls (I remember only one who was also the main instigator) called me to talk about my cloth. The main instigator, let’s call her Sparta told me to put my top up. She wanted to see my trouser. Her point was that I should wear a belt next time. I tucked my top into my trouser, pulled a bit of it out to hang, and didn’t wear a belt. She said that it did not look good. I wonder why she had to tell me. More than this, I wonder why it had to be in front of other people. Apparently, she was advising me. Not knowing what else to do, I agreed. To be honest, I don’t recall my reaction, I just know that I just stood there, embarrassed, probably smiling, but also very embarrassed. In the end, I think she laughed, or maybe that’s just my imagination. I never liked or felt comfortable around her (I did not before, to be fair).

This also made me think about a time in secondary school when I was in a class with a group of my classmates. They were talking about something that I could never remember even if I tried. I did feel left out. At some point, they started to whisper. I remember exactly where they sat and could point out the place if I ever go back to my secondary school (someone would have to threaten my life for this to happen, though. I hated that place with everything in me). One of them, let’s call her Luba told me to excuse them because they want to talk. She said so shyly and proceeded to say what I remember (incorrectly, but really close) as, “See? That’s why I like Olamide. I knew she will understand, she has no problem. Thank you”. Sigh. Of, I agreed. I stepped out, feeling like a piece of worn rag. For effect, let’s say I dragged my feet on the ground and sighed heavily, like I am doing now while writing this. Humiliated, wanting to cry and disappear, I am sure I went back in after they shared whatever their secret was. I don’t remember, though. Like many bad memories, my brain files huge snatches away. It ensures, however, that I remember the most humiliating part and my feeling at that moment.

No, these events did not make me lose my confidence because I remember still being considerably confident after these. Or maybe I’ve never been? I laugh as I write this because I find it funny. How can life be so mysterious? Also, why are these the important things in life? Why do we need to think about past experiences and how they shape us, and then try to overcome them?

I’ll talk about self-approval tomorrow.

This is 500 words (or more ?)! Talk to you tomorrow!

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