One of my biggest flaws is not having enough confidence. I work to get out of that state quite often, but many times, it feels like I am just stuck. If I am lucky, I strike a few weeks or months of absolute courage. Suddenly, fear of nothing consumes me for days and weeks on end, and I go back to square one. Sometimes, I get tired of trying because the end result is usually the same; a moment of courage, long hours of fear. I’m pretty upset with myself. However, I won’t stop trying because I desperately need to have confidence so that I can pursue my goals. Obviously, this being out here means that anyone can read it. I’m tempted to stop writing now for obvious reasons. Please, be nice. I’m trying in the way that I know how to.
Yesterday, I saw this tweet. It spoke to me. One of my takeaways from the tweet is that I shouldn’t be afraid of looking stupid. So, what if my portfolio is not comprehensive enough? I wouldn’t know if I don’t put it out there for people to see. I also wouldn’t know if my ideas are not great if I don’t share or work on them. The fear of making mistakes is causing me to make the biggest mistake of not trying in the first place. The thought of being laughed at is causing me to stay still. Ironically, the thought of how the future will be is causing me to be stagnant. Time will still pass by whether I move or not. So why shouldn’t I move?
How do I convince myself to try and that “It’s okay to look stupid”? Let me tell you the thoughts that stop me:
- Lots of people are already doing that
- People would think I am pretending. How can I suddenly be interested in this? It’s truly not sudden. I have just harboured the idea for years
- People will think I am copying them
- No one will retweet it, and I will be embarrassed
- People don’t think I’m smart
- I don’t know if I got all the facts right
- What if I offend someone
- Why are you sad about something on one WhatsApp status and sound totally fine on the next? Sounds like you’re faking it
- What if this person or that does not like me anymore?
- People will think I am not serious if I post/do this
- People will think I am too serious if I post/do this
- People will think that I am trying to sound smart
- I don’t know if this is a good opinion
- What if I can’t finish it? I don’t want to start what I won’t be able to finish
- If I don’t finish this, people will talk. They already know that I abandon things midway
- I need to really plan
- I am too ashamed to apologise for missing the deadline for the umpteenth time. How can I say that the reason is that I did not know how to get started after two whole weeks? Let me just say I can’t go on anymore. Or, better still, let me hide and come up with an excuse after I finally complete it
- I don’t have time
- I have too many things to do, where do I start?
- I am not ready
- It does not sound true
- I don’t want people to think that I am lying
- I don’t think they need my contribution
- They obviously don’t want my contribution
- I don’t want to seem too forward
- I don’t want to disturb you
- What if this does not work?
- I don’t have enough money
- This seems too perfect. You have exactly 10 items on a list. Add or remove one so it does not look fake
- How long will this take? I don’t want to take too much time
- They won’t pick me
- I don’t have 1 skill out of the 30 listed on the job application. They won’t pick me. I won’t apply for now. Let me learn that skill and apply next time
- This does not look good enough
- No need to change it. Let me just manage it like this
- My cover letter and CV looks superficial. What if they don’t believe that I did all of that? I swear, there is no pinch of lie on them. Why don’t you believe me?
- LOL. What do you have to show for these articles you write? Stop trying to sound “inspirational” when you don’t take your own advice
- No one respects you
- You’re not worth anything until you can list your achievements
- Just be quiet
- People will laugh at me because I sound stupid
- People may think I want their pity
- Don’t overload yourself. You can’t handle it
- Too much time has passed already
- I already failed once
- No one has time to keep dealing with your bullshit
I am going to relearn how to avoid/cancel these thoughts and be back here tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. I will not miss one day till the end of the year, no matter how loud these voices get in my head.
This is 500 words (or more ?)! Talk to you tomorrow!