When you offend or hurt someone, you have a choice to apologise or not. Either is totally acceptable and equally do not affect the offendee’s stance on the effect of what you have done. In other words, your apology or lack of does not affect what the other person thinks of you. They may choose to forgive you, become your best friend again, totally cut you off, revenge, expose your deeds, or just ignore you.
Thus, your apology should come from a place of sincerity. Only apologise if it is genuine.
What you shouldn’t do is wait for some time and come back, all smiles to the person you have offended, in hopes that they will have “got over it” and be cool with you too. Worse still is being offended when they don’t seem to reciprocate your goodwill. You really don’t have the right to say things like, “but I already apologised”.
I believe that such an attitude compound the entire initial hurt. Do you get it? Yes? Okay, here’s how to apologise with sincerity:
- Acknowledge your wrong. This is the first step in your apology escapade. You need to know what you did wrong. You could do some soul-searching. It doesn’t hurt to confirm from the angry party. However, be sure that they are ready to talk about it.
- Admit your wrong to the person receiving the apology. Now that you know your wrongdoing, admit it. Say, “I have done blank blank blank and realise how much it has upset you”. By doing this, you’re letting the second party know that you now understand the impact of your action.
- Say, “I’m sorry”. This is the best part. Just say sorry. Also, don’t ask questions like, “do you forgive me?”. Give the person room to decide that on their own, no need to prompt them.
- Don’t make excuses. I know how tempting it can be. But, don’t say the 101 excuses that have flooded your mind. Emotions are still high. However, if the excuse directly affects how the situation may be seen by the offendee, you can go ahead and clarify things. For example, you can explain that the reason you were unable to meet a critical deadline was that you were admitted to the hospital.
- Ask if there is anything you can do. Now that you have apologised, confirm what you can do to help. If it is a wrong that is reversible, even better. Don’t hesitate to jump in and do what is necessary
- Let it go. This is sometimes one of the hardest parts of apologies. Since you can’t expressly make them forgive you, you also need to accept whatever decision they arrive at. This includes not forgiving you. It will be hard, but accept it and move on. If you think the friendship is worth fighting hard for, go for it. Bear in mind, however, that you may need to eventually let go. Also, don’t allow the offendee to take advantage of you by milking off your apology. You shouldn’t feel like you owe them something forever, especially if they expressly want to make you feel that way.
Here’s something to laugh about; I am always confused about whether to use and stick with American (apologize) or British (apologise) spellings. This is one of the reasons I advocate for a recognised Nigerian English dictionary. It’s about time, my fellow scholars!
These are 500 words (or more ?)! Talk to you tomorrow!